The mom guilt.
I can’t close my eyes without hearing the worst sound I have ever heard in my life. The gruesome and horrifying sound of my precious son Jameson’s head slam against the cement floor.
Literally just gives me the chills, now I want to vomit.
Ever have a day that is so mixed up and complicated that no matter how positive you try to be it’s just going to continue to try and trip you up? Yeah, that was me yesterday.
Our “off” Monday had nothing on our Tuesday.
Yesterday morning started with a little mom guilt and ended with deepest guilt I have probably ever felt.
After a morning of him pushing boundaries and me scraping the bottom of my barrel of patience, I put him and his brothers down for a nap and made plans to take him on a date later that afternoon. We needed some one on one time together. I wanted him to know and feel I was there. Us to connect. And me to take a step back just be glad he is just doing what he supposed to do. Find his independence and many other things that will help him make his place in this world. To remind him and myself that I am here to encourage and guide him. And that I love him so very much.
If I knew then what I knew now, I would’ve stayed home.
When he woke up from his nap he didn’t really want to go on a mommy and me date, he asked to stay home with dad. “Can you pick the ice cream up and bring it back here mama?” – Boy do I wish I just did that. But no, I didn’t. I still had errands to run. Kingsley showed interest in what I was getting ready for so I thought I will take him out! It’s been forever since I have had one on one time with any of my boys, Dad’s here – I will take advantage of this time. He will enjoy it.
Well as soon as we started to get Kingsley ready, Jameson decided he wanted to go after all. Okay, perfect. This will be a great time…
We made it to the ice cream shop. Jameson picked chocolate, Kingsley had the cookies and cream and I ordered a delicious lavender waffle cone. We enjoyed every bite even though they ate most of the favorite part of mine, the cone. But it’s okay, I got plenty of sticky kisses in exchange from each of them.
By the time we made it to the store and was preparing to park my husband called and needed me to come back, something came up. Bad timing yes- but it’s alright, I promised them a toy from the dollar spot and I want to keep my word. We made it home, loaded Lennox in the car and headed to the store.
We arrived, I grabbed a cart. First loaded Lennox in the front seat, Kingsley inside the cart and Jameson tightly holding my hand. And in the store we went, just as we always did.
The boys each happily picked a toy from the dollar spot and I even found a few things to add to their spring baskets. Somewhere between the front of the store and the office supplies aisle I had a two year old who was about to throw a tantrum in my arms, Lennox was content as can be up front and a bored Jameson who just wanted to sit in the cart and play with his new toy. And me with just one more item to find- and of course the most important item on my list.
Just then a clerk to my left asks if I needed help finding something, I quickly described the piece and he pointed straight behind me. I said thank you, turned and pulled the cart forward. And then, that awful sound. It was all I heard. And I knew it wasn’t good. I turned around to see my son, Jameson was lying on the floor. I immediately lunged over to him, in that half of a second it took me to get to him I saw everything, his future. I knew his head hit hard, but his neck or back even?
It couldn’t have been good no matter what. I don’t really remember my actions in the next few moments but I do remember just lying there in the middle of Target cradling him and rocking back and forth. Apologizing over and over again. Telling him how much I love him and that he’s going to be okay.
It’s going to be okay baby. Please Lord, make my baby okay.
I didn’t realize this at the time but he wasn’t sitting in the cart. At some point when I had a brief exchange with the clerk he moved positions. And the thing is he knows, sitting anywhere in the bottom of the cart is unsafe and in the past has no issue with that.
He had his feet on the floor of the cart and his bottom on the edge of the top. When I pulled it forward, his little body flew back and his head slammed against the floor immediately. My poor little boy. That horrid sound, again, still makes my body twitch. My kids can be pretty rambunctious, especially when the three of them get going together so I have witnessed more than a few bad collisions and falls but this was different.
After many calls to the nurse line and a ER visit it has now been twenty four hours and he is doing a little better. The Doctor said yes, he most likely suffered a concussion but thankfully not to the degree it very easily could’ve been. We are continuing to observe his behavior. Give his brain some rest and I will be laying right by his side when he sleeps.
I spent last night just staring at him, praying for him, moving ever so slightly hoping he will show some sign of movement. By two am I fell asleep and was back up at four am to make sure he was lucid. He woke up tired and of course mentioned that the back of his head hurt but acting more himself than last night. He remembers events from the last few days and even remembers the entire fall. And he knows it was me that caused it.
“It was your fault mama, it was. But it’s okay mama. I love you sooo much.”
Breaks my heart.
I answer agreeance, apologizing profusely. Remind myself to be more observant even in chaotic situations. But I also remind him to never sit on top of the cart again.
But still the mom guilt is so real.
I am sharing this, from my perspective as a mother who never intended any harm- here and now because honestly I needed to write it down. To decompress. But also want to remember later on to be more mindful amongst the business. The whole series of events had me extremely shook up and deeply worried about our oldest son.
And I guess, I hope that maybe one mom that feels the guilt to will know she is not alone.
“Accidents happen” they say. It’s the first of many trips to the ER they say.
But it still doesn’t make me feel any better.